I have to admit, I've caught the gaming bug big time. Don't worry, parents! I'm not shooting hookers on the streets of Los Angeles or goring my enemies in some form of "mortal combat." Mom and dad won't let me near those games, darn them. I have, however, become a beast on the insect dominos circuit:

I've got two grasshoppers right here. Draw, fool!

But my real talent is Candyland. The key here is to lull your opponent into a false sense of superiority by pretending that you don't know your colors. Then let her get a big lead in the race to the Candy Castle, offer her double or nothing, and--WHAM-- draw the coveted ice cream cone card.

Pay up, woman. I'll take candy instead of cash.

If my Candyland hustling career stalls, I can at least fall back on stand-up comedy. Last Saturday I had the following witty exchange with mom:

Eli: Hey Mommy!
Mom: Hay is for horses.
Eli: No, H is for horses.

Look, it's better than a lot of what's out there. Cut me some slack.